The PKKK
by Tugboats
Summary: That's right: an assassin has been hired to hunt down Haseo, Here's the problem though: SHE'S A MARY SUE!
1. A Sue is Created on an Online Game

Note: This was inspired by the totally awesome Uber Flare parody of the original series of games. But, I shall move into the new territory of...hack//G.U.! This will be done differently than the oh-so inspiring Uber Flare version. This one, like many other great parodies, is chaptered-story format. If you have a parody, thumbs up to you. If my character is like yours, I apologize. Rated T just to be safe, since later chapters that aren't introductions may be less K+ rated and more T rated.

Disclaimer: I don't really own G.U. I only own (sob)...KAT! Who totally sucks, by the way.

It was nighttime in Lumina Cloth, since, of course, there wasn't any other time. It was even prettier than usual. So, all these chumps started hanging out there, fighting in the tournament and screaming for fighters until they got migraines.

It was when Haseo was getting ready to sign up that _she _appeared. She was a beautiful girl. Her skin was as unblemished as a computer screen, but not nearly as flat. She had an exotic face with high cheekbones. Her eyes were the most beautiful purple ever. It was called Mary-Sue Purple because only Mary-Sues could have eyes like that. Even though this was an online game.

Her outfit was also quite hot. It was a black leather minidress made from a dead Grunty. Nobody acknowledged her animal abuse. They only noticed that it was strapless, low-cut, tight, and barely covered her underwear. On her feet were tall black high-heeled boots that zipped up the sides. They were elegant, hot, and totally inappropriate for fighting. Nobody acknowledged that either.

Her hair was also beautiful. It was long and silky. It reached her waist, and it was free of tangles. Plus it was black with red streaks.

Instead of getting lame markings like a good little, err, BIG girl (cough), she hacked into the system, so she had black eyeliner instead. She looked cool. Her name was Kat, because she was slick like a cat. Ha-ha-ha-ha-this-is-so-not-funny.

Lumina Cloth grew silent as Kat strode through the town. Players cleared their paths, even though the cheater (cough) wasn't on a motor-bike. She marched up to the counter and draped herself over the counter, her assets nearly flying out of her dress. She shimmied her shoulders and smiled at the worker.

"I need to sign up to fight," she drawled in a totally hot voice. Her voice was smooth, but it sounded tough, because Kat was perfect and yada-yada-yada. "I fight solo. My team name is Sexy."

"Um, I'm sorry, uh, sexy..."

"It's Kat," Kat hissed like a cat. Ha-ha-ha-ha-this-is-even-worse-the-second-time.

"Kat, submissions are closed."

"Oh, okay, don't worry about it," Kat said cheerfully, marching off to go use her hotness to do...things (strange noise).

-:-

After doing some THINGS (strange noise) and putting a gag over Rayne's mouth (muffled noise), Kat was marching around Mac Anu.

"Yeah, Silabus saw her too!" Haseo was saying. Kat narrowed her catlike eyes.

"Haseo," she murmured.

"Haseo the Adept Rogue!" she called. Haseo turned, and his eyes melted.

"Haseo, you have something on your face," Gaspard said, trying to be helpful. Kat pushed him away, and he muttered something about lifting her fingerprints and selling them on MaryBay. (It's like eBay, but with Mary-Sue merchandise! How dreadful!)

"Haseo the PKK! I have been hired to PKKK you! Any last words, honey bun?"

"Will you marry me?" Haseo asked, Shino immediately wiped out of his mind. Kat was not taken by surprise because she was very world-weary and smart.

"That is beside the point," she barked, pointing at him. Haseo grinned. Ooh, if he looked at her from this angle, he could almost see her—

"I am going to PKKK you!" Kat pulled her weapon out of her inventory. She was a Macabre Dancer. Instead of fighting stupidly like the other Macabre Dancers, Kat had a special weapon. She fought with a whip. She was like a lion-taming mambo dancer.

Kat started a dance that involved too much gyrating for anyone's good. She glanced over at Haseo, and he was staring at her like he hadn't eaten in a week and Kat was a sandwich.

"Hee-yah!" Kat yelled. She whipped Haseo, and he fell backwards. "Any last wishes, Haseo?" Kat menacingly stared down at Haseo, she leaned over, jabbing her virtually manicured nails into his gut. Ooh, if Haseo looked up, he could see her—

"Date me!" Haseo yelled in a fit off OOC-itude. Then he started rolling on the ground. While the others ran away in fear, Kat stayed like the big brave girl she was (cough). Until she got bored with him rolling around and left for an area. It was a special area called Area For Sues. It was an area for Sues. Only Mary-Sues could go there. And of course it was perfect.

In Area For Sues, Kat encountered Endrance, who had cheated and gone into that area.

"Hey, Endrance," she said. She had no respect because she was a bad-girl rocker chick (cough). "I was sent to assassinate you!"

"No that was Haseo, silly goose!" Endrance announced. Then he glomped Kat, losing his dignity, except not really, since he was very happy when glomping Kat. And then his ACTUAL cat got mad, so he threw his cat at Mecha Grunty, who happened to be singing in the distance. Kat laughed, and Endrance watched as she jiggled and giggled. If she kept this up, her dress would collapse, and he'd get to see her—

"I like cheese!" Endrance yelled after an awkward silence. "Do you like cheese?"

"I think that cheese is very fattening, and I don't eat it, so I'm fit," Kat preached. Endrance felt something in his heart. He didn't feel like he liked cheese anymore. In fact, he only liked Kat!

Kat decided to take a walk through the area. Every now and then, she'd turn around, and Endrance would be following her. So, she threatened to use her super-uber spell. It was called Love Hurts. She would blow a kiss, and then Endrance would melt. Only his whole body would melt, because he had overdosed on Kat. So then Kat would use her powers of love and put him back together. And then he would resume stalking her.

"Hey, hey, HEY!" this guy yelled. He had hair (OMG!!!). It was blue. And it was in a ponytail.

"It's Kuhn!" Kat happily yelled. He did not acknowledge the fact that he'd never met Kat and that she was a creepy stalker of all hot people.

"Hi!" he squealed. He sounded like a pig.

"You sound like a pig," some hideous pink-haired girl said. "Hey, I'm Pi, and this idiot here is Kuhn."

"He is not an idiot," Kat preached. "You should know that idiot is not a nice term." Pi wasn't very enlightened. In fact, she was angry.

"How dare you!" she yelled. Kat blew a kiss, and Pi exploded. A boatload of numbers came out in this exact order: 3.14159265358979323846264338327950288419716939937510...

And then Kat recited the rest of pi. Since she was uber super smart, she did it in twenty seconds, and everyone was amazed at her smartitude. She was smart, because her IQ was 123456789876543212345678987654321. And then Pi left because she felt neglected.

And then Kat decided to leave, because everyone was staring at her liked they'd been walking through the desert of flat-chestedness and she was a skinnily curvy oasis (cough).

Some random guy walked by, and Kat hugged him. "Matsu, you're so strong," she said. Matsu didn't care about her stalkerness either.

"I work out every day. First, I lift swords. Then I throw swords. Then I walk on swords. Then I use swords. Then I eat swords. Then I drink swords. Then I vault with swords. Then I jump over swords. Then..."

"I'll be your sword any day..." Kat flirtatiously crooned, shimmying her shoulders and scaring the kids.

"But I already have a sword. It's called the Cheese Sword."

"Cheese is fattening, honey..." Kat said, casually throwing the cheese sword away. It hit Endrance in the head.

"Free cheese!" he shouted. Then he dropped it. "No. I need to be skinnier if I want to win the tournament. Then he threw it in the canal.

"Free cheese!" some random player shouted. Kat turned and glared. "I mean, uh, I hate cheese!"

Note: A little boring, but this is the introduction, and introductions are generally boring. Unless you're a fantastic writer.

Sneak Peak of Next Chapter: Kat is being loved by all the guys, especially all of them. But...they are being tempted with free cheese by a certain authoress and her cunning team of fellow nerds. Can they love Kat with free cheese right next to them?


	2. The Plan of DOOM!

Author's Note: Yo, everyone. I like this story too much to not update.

Annwyn Sidestory: Thank you for LMAO-ing. It makes me happy when someone LMAO's at something I wrote.

Murgatroyd: I totally had to look them up. I can list about ten decimal places by memory. After a long time, I actually interpreted what the second part of your review meant. Gaaaaaah...I'm confused by the smartitude...If you review one of my stories, next time you need to use simpler terms. :D

Cricketeer: Awwwwwwww, thank you. :D Yeah, you can't help but love Kat, even though she's a total Sue.

Hsumi: Psssssh, no kidding. That's why I'm not an Endrance fangirl. Plus I generally don't like bishie guys.

"Okay," Rayne said. The authoress was sitting in a dark room with several other girls. "We seriously need to get rid of Kat. The only issue is...how will we?"

"I have an idea!" another girl cried.

"Cool, Ace!" Rayne said enthusiastically. "So, how will we destroy Kat?"

"Free cheese..." Ace said, cackling. Her tousled brown hair shook with each giggle, threatening to fall out of its ponytail, which matched her brown high-collared jacket. She paired the jacket with baggy gray pants and bare feet, and an old-fashioned pilot helmet topped it all off.

"Nice, Ace," another girl chuckled.

"Do you have any ideas, Ebonie Orchid?" Rayne asked. Another girl sighed.

"You can just call me Ebonie."

"Sorry, Ebonie," Rayne said, rolling her narrowed red eyes and tossing back her long silver hair. The insane writer-girl was dressed in straight black pants, black fishnet fingerless gloves, a long red tank top, a black vest, black flip-flops, and rhinestone-encrusted glasses on a beaded chain. Black jagged markings framed her eyes, not unlike the markings of a certain rock star in a certain band whose name refers to a technique used by two people in love (1).

"Much better," Ebonie said with a satisfied smile. Ebonie had a short blonde pixie cut that showed off her bright purple eyes. She wore glasses, a denim jacket, a purple top, and a pink skirt. On her feet were the brightest, sparkliest fuchsia shoes ever.

"Anyway, what are your ideas, Ebonie?" Rayne asked.

"I don't have any ideas. I wanna hear Ace's ideas."

"Okay," Ace said dramatically, tossing her ponytail over her shoulder. "So, to get rid of Kat, we have to get rid of her men. To do that, we put free cheese in a giant box with a sign saying 'Free Cheese!'"

"Okay, go on," Rayne murmured, writing it down.

"And, if Kat isn't nearby, they'll run into the box. Then we can shut it and put it in a room. Then, Kat will try to save her men, and we'll lock her in the room!"

"Cool," Rayne said, laughing. "I'll try that."

"But it all depends on whether or not Kat is nearby," Ebonie reminded them.

"Thanks, Ebonie," Rayne sighed.

"We need to make sure Kat isn't nearby. Ace can put the box of cheese down, and we can distract Kat!"

"Okay, how?" Rayne asked, raising her eyebrows.

"Uh, maybe we can ask her to give us tips on guys or makeup or computer hacking," Ebonie laughed.

"Okay!" Rayne said, capping her pen. "Let the plan begin..."

Aqua Capital Mac Anu

"There she is!" Ebonie hissed. She and Rayne were hiding behind the Canard guild stand. Kat was strutting through, winking. "Hurry!" Ebonie and Rayne jumped out of the bushes.

"Hi, you're Kat, right? Because we're pathetic nerds, and we want you to teach us how to be cool!"

"Okay," Kat said sweetly, since she was a sweet person (yeah right). "Let's go to my guild. It's called Beauty." Kat shepherded the nerds to her guild.

Ace ran out from behind a different stand and put a giant box down. She wrote, "Free Cheese" on a sign and stuck it to the outside.

"FREE CHEESE!" she hollered at the top of her lungs. She ran off to hide behind the stand again.

"Hey, Matsu, it's cheese!" Endrance said.

"But cheese is fattening!" Matsu said, gesturing to his manly six-pack. "And I want to stay ripped!"

"But it's free..." Endrance said.

"Eh, what the heck?" Matsu said. "Hey, everyone! Free cheese!" Every single player in Mac Anu ran into the box, and everyone in Lumina Cloth AND areas AND guild Homes AND guild areas ran into the box. The people who were logged out logged in so they could run into the box.

"AHA!" Ace yelled. She ran over and closed the box. Then she welded it shut with a fire spell, and carried it to her guild (Stratagem) Home with a wind spell.

"Ebonie and Rayne will be so proud," she sniffed. "Can you guys hear me?"

"Yeah...yup...I'm gonna eat cheese...shut up Matsu...I wasn't talking...Hase-Yo...stoooop...yeah."

"That's so cute," Ace said. "Bye, guys." She left the guild and locked the door.

Beauty Home

"In conclusion, to be cool like me, you have to be hot, smart, funny, and everything else good."

"WOW!!!" Rayne said. "That was amazing!"

"I feel like I can be cool!" Ebonie added. "Thank you sooooo much!" The two ran out, giggling.

"I can't believe it worked!" Rayne chuckled

"What worked?" Kat asked.

"Uhhhhh, I can't believe you agreed to give us cool lessons," Rayne said.

"Don't lie to me," Kat said. "I can read minds." She grabbed their necks and held them up in the air.

"LOG OUT!!!" Ebonie yelled. "She can't find us in real life!" They logged out and immediately logged back in. They ran into Stratagem and sat down on the floor with Ace.

"Hey, guys," Ace said. "Why are you panting?"

"Kat tried to kill us, so we logged out, and when we logged in, we immediately had to run here," Ebonie said, groaning.

Aqua Capital Mac Anu

"Hey, guys, I'm back!" Kat called. "Guys? Hello?" Kat looked around. There was NOBODY there. At all. She checked Lumina Cloth.

"There's usually SOMEONE in the root town," she mumbled. "I know!" Kat hacked into the database.

"Home scan," she mumbled. She scanned every Home there was.

"Wow!" she said. "Every single user is in Stratagem! Maybe they're having a party..." Kat ran to Stratagem. The door was open. She looked in the open room. There was a large, out-of-place couch near the wall. She didn't scan the couch, which was good, for if she had, she would have seen Rayne, Ebonie, and Ace behind it.

"What's back here?" she asked herself. She opened the door, and saw a huge box filled with people.

"Huh?" she mumbled. "Why is everyone in a box?"

"AHA!" Rayne yelled. She slammed the door shut. Kat heard the sound of a key twisting in a lock, and then heard a gulping sound, followed by a fit of giggles.

"Ew!" Ebonie's voice cried. "Ace, I can't believe you ate the key!"

"Well, she can't get out now," Ace said proudly.

"And nobody can log out from Homes," Rayne chuckled. "It's perfect!"

"When I get out..." Kat hissed.

"What do you mean, _when_?" the three nerds cackled. "Have a nice life!"

"Cheese?" someone offered. Kat narrowed her eyes. "Never mind."

Note: Uh, yeah.

(1) If you can name the band and/or rocker, you get free cheese or a cookie or something.

Ace: My friend who goes by Ace. Ace likes to make up random plans. She made up the get-rid-of-Kat plan long before I wrote this story. But I realized that the plan was perfect, so I asked if I could use it.

Ebonie: My friend, who actually is not Ebonie and has never been called Ebonie. She pretty much is the voice of reason with Ace, herself, and me. She usually has to keep us under control, even though she can be just as wild as us.

"Yeah...yup...I'm gonna eat cheese...shut up Matsu...I wasn't talking...Hase-Yo...stoooop...yeah.": Ace made this up before I wrote this chapter. We were Naruto roleplaying, and everyone got hyper off soda and ice cream, and this was the aftermath. I simply edited it to make it more .hack//GU-ish.


End file.
